Troublesome Topic: The Battleground of Self Worth

By Audry Eberhard

I have fought so many battles in the area of self-worth and acquired some emotional wounds along the way. Some of these battles I feel like I have fought numerous times and I struggle with why I have to fight the same battle so many times. Over this last year of really seeking God through His Word and prayer and reading the works of gifted writers, I sense that I have a new handle on what the true picture is of my struggles with seemingly the same issue.

In many ways I almost feel that I was more spiritually on fire in my teen years and early 20’s. What I have to keep telling myself is that our Christian walk is a process and it is different for each person. I had a good spiritual foundation but I still had to experience some very real battles in learning who I was in Christ and what He desired to do in my life. I can think of one very meaningful laying down of my desires and giving myself completely to God when I was a sophomore at Vennard College. It was after this experience that I felt a very real pull towards going overseas as a missionary. Then God brought my future husband into my life who was an MK headed back to the mission field. After we were married I continued to feel like something was missing, I even went through a period where I questioned if God was even real. As I read God’s Word, I would remind myself of what I had been taught and believe it. Part of my problem was that I was waiting for some type of feeling of assurance from God.  

I disciplined myself to believe God’s Word was true even though I didn’t always feel His presence. That would characterize my life for the first 10-15 years of our marriage when I was raising young children. We were in ministry here and overseas. I struggled with emotional ups and downs. I was told by someone during a missionary training time that I needed to work with issues from my past and learn who I was in Christ. He gave me some points of action to take in learning to relate to people in my life. Once again, I laid down the issues from the past before God the best I could. Those years were characterized by emotional highs and lows. I continued to spend time in the Word seeking God but still felt like there was something missing.

The missing key was found when I did a Beth Moore study entitled Believing God. I discovered in a very meaningful way what believing God needed to look like in my life. As part of that she had an exercise that gave you the opportunity to think through good and bad life experiences and see God’s hand at work rather than just the memories. This action ended up being a key God-moment in my life. I felt His presence and knew that I needed to lay those experiences before Him and allow Him to show me how He was at work.

It was in this activity as well that I received a vision based on one of the Bible passages in the study. Each of those past experiences were represented with a rock that was picked up out of the river Jordan and placed In the Promised Land much like the leaders of the children of Israel had picked up rocks making a stone monument as a reminder of what the Lord had done. Those stones formed in my mind a monument of what God had done in my life. He also impressed upon me that there would be constant battles that would need to be fought and not to be surprised at that, but simply to be ready. This experience was a huge turning point in my relationship with the Lord.

The other huge turning point has happened during this year of the Covid shut-down. The past 5-8 years I have dealt with feelings of insecurity, fear and worry. I prayed often about these things and found verses to replace the wrong messages, so I was fighting Satan’s lies with the truth of God’s Word. Still, it was a very real battle, and it was discouraging because I felt I wasn’t making any progress. I was also reading several books written by Christian authors on topics of emotional healing. During the Covid shut-down God began showing me truths through these God-inspired men and women that I hadn’t seen or been ready to see. The root of my problem was the sin of pride. My insecurity was a form of pride-I was concerned what other people thought about me; I worked very hard to win the approval of others so they would complement me (I liked, but I disliked the complements); I was also trying to win God’s favor so He would make my life blessed, and surprise, surprise I was overwhelmed. I was focused on me and what I needed to do instead of focusing on God. God was still at work in my life but progress was slowed way down.

A book that was very impactful during this time frame was Defined by the Kendrick brothers. In many ways this was information that I already knew and had been taught, but once again I was ready for the deeper truths that the Spirit wanted to reveal to me. Through this book I clearly saw who God had designed me to be. I wrote key scriptures out on cards that I could go through on a daily basis. Another key book has been Hannah Whitall Smith’s book, The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life. I wish I would have known about this book earlier, but I probably would not have gotten as much out of it as I have in the last few months. I love this author because she uses a lot of word pictures and stories to illustrate her key points, which helps me to remember them better. Her writings have helped me understand the importance of disciplining my thought life and rejecting lies immediately. I have also achieved a new depth of understanding about how God desires to work in and through my life. I need to place my everything in His hands and respond obediently to His every leading in my life.

My struggles with these emotions were based in pride and that was sin. As I confessed the prideful root behind my insecurities, fear and worry, God was able to help me see that my life was hidden in His life and that in His strength I can face this testing ground called life victoriously. Instead of trusting God in these areas I hac been taking things upon myself trying to fight those battles in my own strength. What a humbling difficult time that was, laying down my pride and admitting my inability to do anything in my own strength. All God was asking me to do was trust Him with every aspect of my life. I still struggle with insecurity, fear and worry, but I immediately repent and refuse to continue to entertain those thought in my mind. Through this response these struggles make me stronger because I repent and turn to the source of my strength. My vision from earlier is still ringing true; I am still fighting battles. The battles are a good sign of Satan’s fear of my growth, and also gives me opportunity to learn more about trust and obedience in my walk with God.

If you are constantly struggling with emotional ups and downs and are tired of living life that way, perhaps this will be helpful for you. I encourage you to read the resources that I mentioned or find your own Christian resources. The world has a different viewpoint on how to deal with emotional hurts, but I challenge you to find Christian resources and then ask God to help you discern and search to make sure they are Biblically correct. God’s Word must be the foundation for everything related to our life and well-being. Make your own stone memorials as you allow God to redeem the painful memories from your past and be ready to fight the spiritual battles against self and pride as God reveals them to you.

The next lesson is: The Importance of the Cross for Those Struggling with Emotional Hurts