Troublesome Topic: How Does He Encourage Her? Song of Solomon ch 6 & ch 2

Your Hair Is Like a Flock of Goats

This statement is found in Song of Solomon 4:1c and 6:5b.

This is a simple, yet powerful truth that a wife needs to hear from her husband often—that he cherishes and treasures every part of who she is, even the ordinary, small or insignificant things. If he shows appreciation for every aspect of who she is, she will have no reason to be insecure in the relationship. As men we tend to think we shouldn’t need to reassure her so often, but we are wrong. An extreme example would be a man who thinks or says this: “I told ya when we married that I was committed to ya, if anything changes, I’ll let ya know.” We may not be that extreme, but we often fail to realize that our wives need constant reassurance that the relationship is strong. This Solomon guy was smarter than we thought! He not only told her that the small things were important to him, but that they were just as important as any of the big stuff associated with his role as provider, as important as their very livelihood.

The other side of the coin, guys, is this: we can’t just say it, we need to show it. In the end, it accomplishes nothing for a man to tell his wife that everything about her is more important that the big stuff in his life, if he spends all his time working and is never home. His natural tendency is to focus on his role of providing. She is seeking security on many levels, financial security is only one of them, and there are things that she needs far more than money. Most women do not want financial security at the expense of all their other needs. I cannot count how many times I have counseled with couples in marital crisis and one of the “big ones” for the wife is that hubby is “never home.” I understand that making a living is tough, and I understand a man’s desire to do all he can to provide, but husbands need to realize that the complex and challenging role God has given us includes tasks and responsibilities in several areas, not just putting food on the table and paying the bills. For some guys working long hours is an avoidance mechanism; they say to themselves, “I’m not very good at providing emotional stability, or being a listening ear, or providing comfort and encouragement, but I know how to work, so I’ll just focus on working.” That may be true, but we need to be willing to learn and grow in the aspects of marriage in which we are weak.

O frustrated and lonely wife, give your husband room to grow in the areas that are new, strange or uncomfortable for him. Praise his small efforts to improve, and thank him when he sets other things aside to just be there with you.

My Dove, Your Face Is Lovely

He starts out addressing her need for security, which is one of the most basic needs a woman has, but then he seems to change gears. At first glance it is not obvious why he brings in the part about what is deep within her. But it turns out to be a very powerful point. He is saying to her, in essence: “I hear your need for security, but listen to me, I love you for who you are deep down inside. I see more than just the outside. As the years pass and you no longer look like you did when you were twenty, don’t be concerned about that because I love what is on the inside even more than what is on the outside. You can rest secure in our relationship. I will be that place of strength and security you need. You have nothing to worry about, because I’m not going anywhere! I will always be here for you!”

Wow! That is language a woman can understand! That is just about the best thing she could ever hear! And not enough women hear it from their husbands.

The Song teaches us that marriage is more than making babies; it is a union of two souls; it is communion on the deepest level. For that to take place there must be vulnerability and trust. Contrary to what our emotions tell us, the safety and security that we seek is often found in making ourselves vulnerable to someone who loves us, not in building walls of self-protection.

The next lesson is: How Does She Encourage Him? Song of Solomon ch 2 & ch 8